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Chocolate Bar Custom Race
Right now I'm in the middle of the worst campaign I've taken part in thus far. The DM says she wanted to have a serious story-based campaign which amounts to the Steampunk French Resistance, but allowed players to make characters that include:
A schizophrenic Aarakocra who will cap random NPCs at any time because the voices tell him to.
After each long rest, he rolled percentile die to see what the voices say that day
A human monk who was cursed by his mom to always be naked and physically need to kill any horses that he sees
A chaotic evil eleven-year-old half dragon who loves to constantly interject with a quip and verbally backstab the party.
The DM actually killed that character on purpose.
This particular DM and her boyfriend also can't stop inviting people to the campaign, so we've had full dozen player sessions. Stuff isn't helped by how the DM has a speech impediment, enjoys constantly railroading the players from place to place, and loves having conversations with herself as her myriad of NPC characters. It's interesting to say the least.
For whatever reason, the DM doesn't really like my character all that much even though I can figure out when to shut-up unlike most of the other players. My character doesn't even have a stupid quirk, which actually be the issue because she doesn't think mine even has a personality.
As a sort of Death Insurance, I designed a race of sentient chocolate bars in about twenty minutes to discourage her from killing my character. I made it purposely conducive to be infuriating and will refuse to take no as an answer when asking "Can I use this custom race I made," citing all the dumb crap she's already let through as reason why she should let me do it. Granted, that is assuming she does kill my character on purpose.
Anyway, here's the fun stuff so you can use it too:
Extra Large Chocolate Bar Traits:
Ability Score Increase
+2 to Charisma and Strength, +1 to Constitution, -2 to intelligence
Age
Extra Large Chocolate Bars are spawned fully grown, but only live to be at most five years as they expire.
Alignment
Extra Large Chocolate Bars tend to be neutral on the good-evil axis as they have not yet developed the understanding of such concepts of a race
Size
Extra Large Chocolate Bars are consistently manufactured to be six feet tall. Your size is medium
Speed
Your default walking speed is 30 ft.
Chocolate Biology
As chocolate bars can hardly be considered alive, they are immune to poison damage and disease. Additionally, they are immune to cold damage.
Chocolate Cannibalism
When you eat chocolate or another coco based object, they regain 1d4 HP per object. One regular sized bar of chocolate, one pint of chocolate milk, etc. count as one object.
EAT ME
You character has X chocolate chunks where X is two times your level. They can allow any other character to take and eat one of those chunks to regain 1d8 HP. 1d4 of these chunks regenerate after a long rest or after you eat an equal number chocolate or other coco based objects.
I'm Melting
When you take fire damage, the five feet of terrain around you becomes difficult terrain for two minutes.
I have no hands
Your character has no hands or arms and cannot hold any weapons or objects and needs assistance with donning or doffing armor. They gain Mage Hands as a cantrip.
Weakness to Fire and Bludgeoning
When your character takes fire or bludgeoning damage, they instead take 2 plus that amount of damage instead.
Tool Proficiency
Your character is proficient in the use of bagpipes
Languages
Your character can read, write, and speak in Common and Primordial.
I image these just look like unwrapped Hersey's chocolate bars with big, cold, and dead eyes on the lower half, with stubby feet, no visible mouth, and just constantly act annoying and stupid to all other races.
If anyone has any recommendations as how to make it even worse while remaining in flavor for a chocolate bar, I am open to them.